Grief, Anger, and A Loss That Would Never Go Away

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Quoted from this article:

When we are grieving, anger is another indicator of how much we loved the person who died. If you feel anger over your loved one’s death, you owe no one an apology for your grief—or your anger. It is human to be angry and underneath your anger is your pain. Consider, too, that anger is not a “requirement” of grief because every person’s grief is unique and not every griever will feel its force.

There are many reasons to be angry when a loved one dies. You may be angry because: the medical professionals did not do their jobs correctly; friends and relatives say unhelpful things; the person who died left you alone with a legal mess or in a bad situation or caused his own death; someone is responsible for your loved one’s death through reckless or violent behavior; God let you down and didn’t answer your prayers; you didn’t respond to a crisis the way you wanted; your finances have drastically changed; you have to go back to work; you must now assume the burden of added household responsibilities; you have lost control of your life; or you feel isolated from friends and family.

I was still learning to be kind to myself after last year’s grief. Our father, my father in law exactly, passed away only two weeks after Idul Fitri.  Precisely, three days after my husband’s 40th birthday. What an unforgettable moment, and I thought I’ve been strong enough. Right now both of us have no dads.

Then last week, only five days after Idul Fitri, we buried my niece. She’s not my big sister’s daughter. Her mother is my closest cousin, we grew up together. She helped my mom a lot to raise us, me and my siblings. We even shared a bedroom until I was entering preteen. So, her kids are mine too. We’re that close.

It hurt me so much when people kept guessing that this niece was a toddler or only a bit older than that. As they found out that she was a young adult, their way of saying « oh » was enough to make me mad. What matters, she’s our family. We’ve been through hard times together and I learned a lot from how strong her parents then.

I just realized, how I kept being angry after her funeral. Even right from the cemetery, my husband took me somewhere to cool down. I had no energy left to cry, I didn’t want to make my family more miserable than they already had been… but everything seemed wrong.

It was exhausting mentally and physically. Those repetitive questions… the funny way to express how they care… I had no heart to see my cousin, my beloved sister, answer same questions over and over again. I’ve to restrained myself not to be rude, then I spilled everything on the way home and days after. I’ve ruined all anger management therapies that went well and I gotta start again. I don’t know when.

Sadness could grip me that way, it’s just such a blow since from the beginning of this year I’ve been mourning for many I loved. Laugh all you want, last January two of my cats were dead. I blamed myself for that. Sometimes talking with fellow cat lovers helped, often it only made my pain worse.

I’m still learning to grab the art of losing and I’m still on it. Letting go, in fact, is not easy though I’ve read lots of books and watch many movies about it.

My hair turns grey faster and faster lately. It just crossed my mind… the day after tomorrow would be 8th anniversary of my dad’s death.

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